“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
-Jesus (Matthew 6:21 – NIV)
In Part I, we discussed the connection between work and satisfaction. I posited that the contentment that comes from working toward and achieving a goal is great inspiration toward further accomplishment — a virtuous circle. But how does the allure of free affect us individually and as a people?
Time for a change?
Millennials are the most marketed to generation in human history. Your ability to see through and resist sales pitches is commendable. On the other hand, this backlash against marketing has caused something of a rush toward “free.” There are some ways that this is a good thing, since paying more for something you could otherwise have for less is poor stewardship.
The legitimate use of free
Sales training expert Jeffrey Gitomer teaches his students to “Give value first.” This giving is genuinely for the benefit of the prospective client, but it’s a step on the path toward a mutually profitable business relationship. To his credit Gitomer extols the importance of establishing and cultivating business friendships — and there is always mutuality in friendship.
In some cases, though, free is used to ensnare you. Think of it this way: Bait is free to a fish, but only until the hook is set.
Music wants to be free?
Perhaps it does, but as a musician, it’s disappointing how many people are unwilling to pay for music downloads (I believe that’s called stealing.) or are unwilling to pay for live entertainment. It’s a bit of a sore point for me, but you wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve been asked to play for free “for the exposure.” I believed them years ago. Curiously, the paying gigs that were supposed to result from playing for exposure never seemed to materialize. This is because — then as now — there’s always somebody else willing to play for free.
If you’re an aspiring musician, have enough integrity to refuse — politely — the opportunity to play for free. You’ll feel better about yourself as an artist, and you might even be able to afford food.
Also, if you’re pirating songs or movies, for the sake of your conscience and your future entertainment, please stop. Thank you.
It’s nobody’s business
And then there’s porn — ubiquitous and free — but not without cost. Let’s list briefly some of the ways free pornography can cost you:
- Compulsive behaviors and changes to brain architecture that mirror addiction — Google it.
- Relational laziness and social ineptitude — Relationships require investment. Porn provides some of the benefits of marriage (i.e., sexual release) without the effort required to love sacrificially. This makes a man more passive and less resilient. If you desire to love an actual woman, these are not the attributes of the best version of yourself.
- Disruption – of desire and empathy, of connection — Porn reinforces self-centeredness and is antagonistic to normal relationship and attraction. Where marital relations bind husband and wife more tightly, making each more sensitive to the other, pornography numbs the soul and more. There are documented cases of pornography-induced sexual dysfunction. Sex was made for two — not a man and a page or screen.
- Dilution of marriage and its permanence — I wrote about this in response to Fifty Shades of Grey, but when husbands and wives turn away from each other and toward porn, neither fulfills the God-ordained roles of married lovers. Sex within marriage is designed for the lifelong delight and fulfillment of both the husband and the wife. That this sounds weird only illustrates how far from home we are. The search for fulfillment in a series of imaginary paramours weakens the bonds of marriage. The dissolution of marriages weakens society.
But I don’t pay for it
Even if you aren’t paying to consume pornography, understand that every click on a porn site is a vote. Those votes — signifying demand — are then used to justify the creation of more of the same. This means more people are called on to debase themselves for others’ amusement and arousal. When you realize that not everyone appearing in porn is doing so by choice, it’s even worse. We rightly condemn slavery in America’s history, but would we condone subjecting our wives, our sisters, our daughters or our sons to being commodified and consumed this way in our own time?
I’ll write more on this topic soon, but pornography and prostitution are the primary drivers of human trafficking — the blight of modern-day slavery that afflicts our land even today.
The myth of free love
I was a child in the 1960’s and 1970’s, and I was very aware of the cry of the counterculture — the first wave of baby boomers rejecting the beauty and mystery of the marital union for a series of what are today called hookups. In the name of “free” love, we have paid a dear price. I explained it to a friend of mine this way:
Dr. Frankenstein sought to build a creature — to play God — by assembling a body and trying to jolt it to life. He was only partly successful, for what he succeeded in making was not a living soul, but a monster bent on destruction. Similarly, we can take two sets of genitals and put them together pleasurably. We can create a spark — the nerves and synapses fire and it all works as designed, giving the appearance of life. I would argue, however, that apart from the vital spiritual union of marriage for which God created sex, we have created another monster that is even more destructive.
Free at last — really
God, the creator whose very nature is love, sent His son, Jesus, to reconcile us to the Father. His love was anything but free — Jesus laid down His life to take the full measure of God’s wrath — the punishment each of us deserves . This is a gift we can’t earn and we don’t deserve. God’s fondest desire for each of us is that we would receive His extravagant gift of new life.
He did this to liberate us from the futility of trying to please Him through our own efforts, and from the bondage of trying to steal what He wants to give His beloved children. We can say yes to His love, love Him in return, and learn what it is to be truly free.
So how about you? In what ways have you taken the bait? How have you gotten free? How can I help? Add your comments below?
>Porn provides some of the benefits of marriage (i.e., sexual release) without the effort required to love sacrificially.
This seems true. We do however, as men, need to live in and work with the environment in which we find ourselves. Granted, I can move to another environment, but barring that, the above it true.
So, what environment do I have now?
A few points first.
1 Samuel 16:7: But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
I am a “people” not God, thus I cannot look at the heart. Therefore I will, out of necessity, evaluate on their external appearance. Someone’s rant about how I should care more about their spirituality instead of their outward appearance and actions is irrelevant.
Matt 21:28-32
28 “What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’
29 “‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went.
30 “Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but he did not go.
31 “Which of the two did what his father wanted?”
“The first,” they answered.
Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you. 32 For John came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes did. And even after you saw this, you did not repent and believe him.
We see from verse 31 that the people who does the will of the Father are not those who say the correct words, but those who perform the correct actions. Thus I choose to value a person’s actions, not their pretty words.
So, what environment do I have at church, with various women who appear to be religious. These are the women who I would hope can be married, and then counted upon to fulfill the Biblical duties of a godly woman and godly wife. (Thus giving the benefits of marriage.) Remember from above that it is pointless to whine that I should consider her spirit. I cannot see it. It is likewise foolish to exhort me to trust her words. Her actions are what count.
Obesity: Titus 2:1-5 shows Paul instructing Titus to command that both men and women be self-controlled. Any man, or woman, who lacks self-control on a daily basis, for long enough to lead to being noticeably overweight, is obviously showing, through their actions, they are not suitable for a Biblical marriage. He cannot even be a Biblical man; why waste time asking if he can be a Biblical man and also a Biblical husband? Same for a woman.
Hair length: 1 Cor 11:14-16 teaches it is detestable for a man to have long hair, while long hair is a woman’s glory. If she chooses to chop her hair short, thus deliberately choosing to deprive her husband or husband-to-be of her glory, I will not believe that I can count on her to love her husband, either in that way or others. Same for a man who cares more for his long, lustrous locks than the desires of God or his wife. How stupid do I need to be to think a man can read 1 Cor 11, choose to keep long hair, and yet be a humble, obedient servant of God?
Clothing: Deut 22:5 not only shows God commanding men and women to not cross-dress, but even says God finds it detestable when a man wears women’s clothes or vice versa. In my culture, a man wearing a skirt or dress is wearing women’s clothing. Pants are suitable for a man. A blouse is similarly women’s clothing. He should be wearing a tee shirt, dress shirt, whatever. I saw 0 men at my prior church wearing women’s clothing, either in the congregation or on stage. Most women however, even in Sunday morning service, are quite open about wearing clothing that is suitable for a man. Most refuse to consistently wear what is obviously women’s clothing; i.e. skirt or dress.
Even among those women on stage, who are approved of by the religious authorities in the church, women who demonstrate obedience to the commands for a Biblical woman through all 3 of the items in the short list above are absent. There is not one.
So, should I believe that I can find a woman who will fulfill the Scriptural roles of Biblical woman and Biblical wife? Only if I am a fool who denies God and does not submit to His Word.
Why is the above argument relevant to your statement, quoted above? Simply that your statement hints that marriage will provide the benefits of marriage, and thus a man should be willing to fulfill the masculine marital role, e.g. love sacrificially, in order to receive a wife who fulfills the feminine marital role, e.g. sexual release. This, for 99% of women, is a lie. At my prior church, I am aware of 3, out of perhaps 200, who are willing to restrict their choices to Biblical choices, even on an outward basis, even just for 2 hours a week in Sunday morning service. If this small measure of obedience is beyond them, which shall I think?
Now, admitting to the fact that the vast majority of church women are unacceptable for marriage in no way negates the need for me to be obedient to God’s commands myself. Your actions and my own feelings are irrelevant to my duty to God (Luke 17:10).
So, with the foregoing, I would consider your point about it being invalid to get benefits of marriage elsewhere, without fulfilling marital role myself, to be invalid. If a man cannot get a Biblical marriage, then arguing he should get the marriage to get the marital benefits is ridiculous. Again, this does not justify sin on his part. But there is no sin in getting a man’s desire for social friendship fulfilled without a wife; perhaps with male friends.
There is no sin in visiting my own parents, when I have no family of my own in which to invest, for the fulfillment of my desire for close relations.
And there is no sin in sexual release, unless a specific command from God forbids that particular action; e.g. adultery, bestiality, lusting after another man’s wife, etc. For example, nocturnal emissions are something God gave to (most?) men, which fulfill this need absent of a wife.
Now, your other points, such as a potential for pornography to be addictive, may be valid. Romans 6:16 talks about being a slave to the one you obey. Do I wish to be a slave to greed, nicotine, alcohol or pornography? Of course no.
To be fair, you may be aware of the issues listed above. There seems a hint in your following statement:
>Sex within marriage is designed for the lifelong delight and fulfillment of both the husband and the wife. That this sounds weird only illustrates how far from home we are.
My argument is that marriage very likely will not provide the benefits of marriage. I do not argue this is an excuse to sin.
>His love was anything but free — Jesus laid down His life to take the full measure of God’s wrath
Thank you for including this. So many religious people seem to unknowingly devalue Christ’s choice to sacrifice for us, by ignoring the cost, and thus the value thereof.
Dale:
Thanks for your comment. I think you and I are mostly on the same side of the argument.
Your statement regarding the lack of marriageable women in your immediate sphere may be true. I can’t deny or disprove it. In my community, though, I have met Godly young women who are pretty, virtuous, feminine and kind. They hold to a Biblical view of the marital hierarchy and they are marriage-minded in their early twenties. One such woman is my daughter-in-law.
I challenge your assumption that marriage would fail to yield to you the full benefits of marriage, but I admit that it is one possible outcome. I sincerely hope that, if you want to be married, God will bring you a woman who will love and respect you your whole life.
So how does one avoid becoming a statistic? The key is to identify a beautiful woman with Godly character — as best one can determine it. I maintain that attraction is important, so liking her face, her hair, her figure, her fragrance, her laugh — all of that is in bounds. Regarding character, Jesus said a tree is known by its fruit, so I think it’s legitimate to look at how she goes about life. Is she compassionate and generous? Does she serve others without any expectation of gain? How is she in social situations? How about her relationships — especially her relationship with her father? If he’s invested in her spiritual development and she is not rebellious, that’s a very good sign.
I will put some more thought into what makes a woman marriageable to a Godly man, but I think you know what you’re looking for.
By the way, I think this is just as daunting a challenge for marriage-minded women as for marriage-minded men. We’re swimming against the cultural current, but think how vitally important the traditional family is to the long-term health of any culture. Each one of us matters.
With regard to porn and or extramarital sex, you and I agree that a fault on someone else’s part doesn’t justify my own wrongdoing. This is the primary food of the rationalization hamster. Although it’s difficult to be chaste in such a sex-obsessed age, my prayer is that all of us will trust God to provide all we need and to grant us the desires of our hearts.
SDG,
-Geo.
>Jesus said a tree is known by its fruit
Coincidence: I was just working to re-memorize Matt 7:15-20 today 🙂 That may not be the exact passage of which you are thinking, but it also has that idea.
I am glad your son found a young, Biblical woman for marriage. I think that is a great blessing. A blessing giving work for both sides of course, but still a significant blessing.
>my prayer is that all of us will trust God to provide all we need and to grant us the desires of our hearts.
I think not trusting God to provide what I need is a great door into temptation. Although I need to accept that what I want and what I need may not be the same 🙂 Not sure I can criticize God for “failing” to provide a husband or wife for someone.
>so liking her face, her hair, her figure, her fragrance, her laugh — all of that is in bounds
I think it’s great you are willing to publicly be truthful, rather than religious, about the contentious issues related to marital relationships 🙂 And yes, if I am truthful, I am of course showing “true” religion. Jesus is Truth, and came from the Father full of grace and truth (John 14:6, John 1:14).
About two years ago I did a study through Song of Songs. I was very surprised to see that the scent (fragrance to use your term) of the husband and wife were repeatedly mentioned. If you had told me beforehand that the Bible talks about the scent of your spouse, I would have suspected you were nuts hah hah. In case anyone cares, the list is below.
Song of Songs 1:3
Song of Songs 1:12
Song of Songs 1:13
Song of Songs 1:14
Song of Songs 3:6
Song of Songs 4:11
Song of Songs 4:14
Song of Songs 4:16
Song of Songs 5:1
Song of Songs 5:5
Song of Songs 5:13
Song of Songs 5:13
Song of Songs 6:1
Song of Songs 7:8
Thanks for your comments. God bless.
Thanks, Dale.
Blessings,
-Geo.