“The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their grey hair.” – Proverbs 20:29

I said I wanted a photo portraying mentors!

In his book, “To Own a Dragon: Reflections on Growing Up Without a Father,” Don Miller compares the transfer of wisdom from older to younger men to the method pilots used to advise one another when flying across the Pacific Ocean.  Since there are great expanses of ocean with no land on which to build radar installations, pilots further along the route advised the pilots following them regarding weather and flying conditions.  This communication from their more senior colleagues was essential.

Mentoring is the relational equivalent of getting the radio call from a pilot further across the ocean than you are.

Why you need a mentor

Historically, fathers filled this primary role with support from grandfathers, uncles, godfathers, coaches, scoutmasters, Sunday school teachers — a whole network of resources that could help a young man find his way.  A lot of practical knowledge passed from older men to younger men regarding work, women, faith and friendship, and the number of men engaged in the process helped to curb the excesses of any one individual.

As you’ve no doubt seen, our atomized culture and unfavorable marriage trends have made these relationships harder to come by.  However, a mentor can help you overcome this lack by sharing the wisdom accumulated over a longer span of time than your life to date.

What About Dad?

Even if you have a great dad, you need a mentor. Your father’s guidance is valuable, but we tend to discount it – kind of like when your mom tells you you’re handsome. She’s supposed to think so, so it doesn’t mean as much.  Your mentor will make observations a family member won’t, but will also confirm the best of your upbringing.

How to get a mentor

This is not a combat mission or a one-time event.  Mentoring at its heart is relational, so you should seek to develop a friendship over time.  Even so, the most straightforward approach is best: ask.  Don’t hint around — be direct and ask for the help you need.

As a suggestion, find a healthy, doctrinally sound church that has a good balance of men and women attending, and I’ll bet there are men there who have been mentored and who would be willing to mentor you.    Note: Some churches have even organized mentoring programs to match young men with solid mentors.

What you should expect

Here are the top attributes you should look for in a prospective mentor:

• Commitment — You need a mentor who genuinely wants to help you become the best version of yourself.
• Boundaries — He’s not signing on to be a surrogate dad, and he needs to be a wise steward of his time — and yours. Pro tip: Meet in public at a coffee shop or restaurant and limit your meetings to about an hour.
• Discretion — Over time, your mentor should know you well enough and have sufficient judgment to ask tough questions and to call you on your B.S.  Those discussions should stay between you, though.
• Candor — about his own failures and lessons learned, but also about how he sees your situation.  You need someone in your life who will tell you the truth — and stick by you — when you’re behaving like a jackass.
• Prudence — Your mentor should exhibit wisdom in his behavior and demeanor, acting and speaking appropriately.  Note this, since a byproduct of mentoring is that over time you will become more like your mentor.

What your mentor should expect from you
Here’s what a good mentor is looking for from you:

• Punctuality — Show up on time.  The man is giving you a treasure.  Value it by showing appropriate respect for his time.
• Great questions — Most mentoring occurs as a dialog.  You may discuss a book you’re both reading, but come in with well-thought-out questions.
• A listening ear — If you want wisdom, you must listen carefully.  You may disagree, but don’t interrupt or argue.
• Honesty — A mentor who gets anything other than the truth from you is wasting his time.  Be completely truthful.
• Humility — You have much to learn, but now you have a guide.  Be thankful.

Just so you know, this is not an abstraction for me — I meet and check in with my mentor regularly.

So how about you?  Do you have a mentor?  What’s the best lesson you’ve learned from a mentor or as a mentor?  Add your comments below.