“Of all sad words
of tongue or pen
the saddest are these
IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN”
-Anonymous

I have written about the importance of masculine initiation here and here, and I’ve featured a post written by my older son providing his perspective.  In this post, I want to provide some practical considerations against the day you will initiate your son, godson, grandson or nephew. Here are seven-and-a-half tips for masculine initiation and why they matter:

1. Have a plan — and a destination — in mind.  Aside from downtime — which every man needs –we  accomplish nothing worthwhile without an  objective.  Green lawns don’t grow out of neglect — weeds do.  If you want your son to grow into a young man, set your heart, mind and will on that goal, and do not allow yourself  to be lulled or intimidated into abandoning the necessary work.
   

   Green lawns don’t grow out of neglect — weeds do.

2. Have a guide you trust.  Before I took my son on the four-day backpacking trek that began his process of initiation, I sought as much information as possible about the trail we’d be hiking.  I purchased topographical maps and a spiral bound trail guide so I had an idea about sources of water,  campsites and other landmarks to help us stay on track.In the emotional and spiritual aspect of this, I read everything I could get my hands on in the realm of masculinity. I knew I wanted to cover the purpose behind maleness and femaleness, the essence of masculinity as a physical and a spiritual reality, The Talk about sex, and some counsel regarding the physical and emotional changes. I ended up synthesizing the best of all that I read from numerous sources — and this is the basis of what I share with other dads who intend to initiate their sons into manhood*
3. Establish a timeline — so you know when you’ve arrived. In my sons’ cases, I established a three-year process of masculine initiation. This consisted of the initial backpacking trek, annual four-day treks, other incidental backpacking trips to reinforce the message, monthly one-on-one breakfasts to check in, a final trek and a celebration.This occurred for each of my sons from the ages of ten to thirteen.  Interestingly, following his final trek, my younger son said he didn’t think he was ready for his celebration. I assured him he was, but he insisted that we wait.  Trails have known dimensions — souls do too, but they’re harder to measure.
4. Get away from screens.  Stripping away all the electronic conveniences helps to ensure you and your son are paying attention to each other and to the process.  Eliminating the distractions of work, school and technology resets your internal clock and frames this crucial transfer of wisdom as something solid and serious. It will be fun, and you’ll make lifelong memories – and inside jokes – with your son, but this is still make-or-break.  P.S. This is not something you get by reading, but by doing.  Get up and get outside with your son.
5. File a trail plan. When you arrive at an official trail head, there are often registers where hikers can indicate their trail name, the date they put in, where they intend to leave trail and when. Hikers can and do sometimes get lost, so this is a prudent practice.  Similarly, when you intend to initiate your son, you should enlist your allies, your friends and other men in your family to pray for you and your son through the process.  Plans can be like boats — even the best ones can develop leaks. Sharing your plans with people you trust can help you see them through.
6. Consider the source. If we’re honest with ourselves, we have to admit that we’ve all accumulated a mixed record of successes and failures, triumphs and compromises, victories and humiliations.  That realization can make us question ourselves and make the process of initiating our sons intimidating. You must persevere.  Who else will come through for your son if you will not? Imperfect though you are, what is your model?  Who is your ideal? Emulate Him, however imperfectly, and point your son toward His example. As an old priest told me years ago, “The efficacy of the sacrament does not depend on the purity of the priest.”  Offer God what you have and let Him use it to make what your son needs.
7. Bring ’em back alive — truly alive. Initiating your son into authentic manhood is not a silver bullet or a magic talisman. But done right, it can set your son on a course to thrive through his teen years because you will have conferred on him his father’s blessing — the confirmation that he indeed is a man and that you trust that he can come through.  In both my sons’ experience, the process gave us a reference point when they began to assert more independence.  I was able to show them that this was exactly the plan all along, so the discussions were more about how they would use their increasing independence instead of IF they would have it.
8. (Actually 7.5 with apologies to Jeffrey Gitomer) Choose a process that connects with your son’s heart.  Backpacking was great for my sons and me because the pace of hiking enabled us to settle into a pattern that facilitated conversation.  But don’t let the form I used keep you from working according to your son’s bent.If you’re a horseman, build the process around a multi-day trail ride.  Cycling, sailing, canoeing, kayaking, hunting or fishing are all possible alternatives.  The main idea is to tailor your son’s initiation experience in such a way that he rises to the physical challenge while you are teaching and affirming masculinity in him.

So how about you? How do you intend to initiate your son when the time comes? Add your comments below.

*For those who are interested, I am available to speak on the topic of masculine initiation. If you’d like me to speak to your group, please contact me through the website.