“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” – St. Paul (Philippians 2:3-4, ESV)

I am going to take a risk today. I believe the words written above, and I know when I make my case, I know that my own shortcomings will be on display. At the worst, I’ll be the crabby old guy chasing the whippersnappers off his lawn. At best, I’ll get called out for being a hypocrite. Still, I have to say it.

Change you can believe in (Photo by S. McDuck)

Gentlemen, it is time for us to lead a return to civility. We must begin to cultivate gentility and graciousness, even as we enforce our boundaries. Understand that showing courtesy is a demonstration of masculine strength — not its denial — as some of the most mannerly people you’ll meet are strong and self-controlled. Army Rangers and other special operators I have met come to mind.

What’s eating you?

I am more disgusted or perhaps discouraged than angry about this, but slovenliness is everywhere. From poor personal hygiene, to poor physical health, to careless driving, to casual lawlessness, to the coarsening of our discourse, there is a generalized sense of entitlement that pervades our culture. Chuck Colson referred to this as the emergence of the cult of the autonomous self. The tendency to selfishness is nothing new, but what is remarkable is how widespread this boorish behavior is. Trust me — it was not always like this.

One possible outcome

The internet outrage engines roar to life from time to time over the rumor that the US government is planning to remove the national motto — In God We Trust — from coins and paper currency. I check these things out at Snopes.com, and you should, too, by the way. It is false, but it did make me think.

Based on our current manners, any or all of the following would appear to be a more accurate reflection of our national character:

• Eff yew — This blog is PG-13 at most, so you know I’m not going to spell it out. But in a time when people feel no compunction about wearing shirts with these very words (as Jean Shepard called it, “the queen mother of all swear words.”), why not the ultimate flip off as our new national motto?
• I’m a good person — Ya think? This reminds me of the surveys people take assessing their driving skills. Everybody thinks he’s Jeff Gordon behind the wheel, but objective measurements don’t bear that out.
• You can’t judge me — This is the apex of rationalization. It says: I’m going to do what I want, and I do not want anybody awakening my conscience. If that were to happen, I might get bummed out.
• Have a nice day — The favorite secular scripture. It’s as weak and water and as rich in calories. A capital motto for a nation that no longer believes in anything but itself.
• I got mine — This truly epitomizes the prevailing sentiment, doesn’t it? Whether we’re talking about helping oneself to the last slice of pie or sexual indulgence, the avatars of this attitude keep it locked on WII-FM — What’s In It For Me? If you aren’t getting what you need, that is not their problem.

What we stand to lose

Since the national motto appears on our currency by an act of Congress, we are in no danger of seeing the words “In God We Trust” disappear from our coins and bills any time soon. But consider what the self-referential pseudo-mottoes mean for us in practice.

Each of us wants his own way. Each of us fears having his weakness exposed. For the record, John Eldredge explains that a man’s fundamental question is: Do I have what it takes? Being called out suggests we do not. But where morals and manners are concerned, we need to help one another. I don’t see a way for any of us to get better without help — from a mentor, a dad, a brother.

The rejection of transcendent standards of right and wrong — standards that do not change according to circumstances or geography — make thriving communities possible. Look at the Ten Commandments as a basis for civil law.  Clearly, the prohibition of theft, murder, lying, adultery and coveting make it possible for people to live and work together peaceably. The comparative few who disregard these norms make their communities unstable and less prosperous — and it creates a downward spiral.

What can I do?

Start with the only person you can possibly change — yourself. Refuse to behave as if the world owes you a living. It doesn’t.

If you lack proper hygiene or have poor grooming habits, you can improve almost instantly. You can learn how to dress for every occasion, and you can learn how to take proper care of your clothes. Show up dressed appropriately everywhere you go. Especially when you’re traveling for work. People notice that — in a good way.

Manners are mostly making others feel welcome and comfortable in your presence. Even the most hardcore introvert can become fluent in polite conversation. And there are books and executive etiquette courses if you need more help. There’s way too much to cover here, but consider others and place them ahead of you and you’re off to a great start. It’s not about being stiff — it’s about being comfortable in your own skin and making that comfort contagious.

On the road, please do the following: 1) Use your turn signals — especially for lane changes. 2) Observe and obey stop signs and traffic signals (I’m lookin’ at you, Hollywood roll). 3) Maintain safe following distances and leave drafting for the NASCAR track. 4) Pass in the left lane; drive in the right lane. and 5) Remain free of the distractions of drink, drugs, or texting. Now think how much you’d enjoy it if everyone did just these few things.

It’s a marathon, not a sprint

We have a long way to go as a country, to reclaim the character we have squandered. I believe that if enough men embrace civility with the same commitment they show to craft beer, bow ties, and lumberjack beards, this can happen in less than a generation.

One final thought

I’m not a cynic, but I play one at work. Thanks for hearing me out. Now get off my lawn.

So how about you? In what ways can you up your game in terms of civility? Add your comments below.