“The one who knows much says little; an understanding person remains calm. Even dunces who keep quiet are thought to be wise; as long as they keep their mouths shut, they’re smart.”
-Proverbs 17:27-28 (MSG)
There’s a widely held belief that young venomous snakes are more dangerous than their more mature relatives. The explanation is that when younger snakes bite human beings, they inject all of their venom. Of course, a human being is too big for a pit viper to eat, so the snake that wastes his venom on what he cannot eat injures the bitten person while learning a hard — and hungry — lesson. More mature snakes allegedly know the difference between a threat and food and therefore may bite an intruder while withholding the venom.
You could learn a lot from a baby snake.
Very interesting. Also not true. But the principle inspired one of my family’s favorite axioms: Don’t baby-snake it!
Bad science. Good advice
In some ways, I feel bad about basing such a great and useful saying on something that turns out not to be accurate. (As consolation, my inner Mythbuster is secretly delighted to tell you that all venomous snakes are equally dangerous.) But let’s agree that the metaphorical baby snake is delivering a high concentration of practical wisdom – and it won’t hurt a bit.
Spoiler alert!
The first benefit of holding back a bit is that you avoid being that guy. You know the one. You haven’t gotten to the cineplex to see the next Avengers movie and he blurts out the key plot twist that makes the ticket price worth it.
A man who holds his peace doesn’t have the misfortune of spoiling others’ enjoyment by talking out of turn.
Artistic restraint
If you’re a lyricist, an author, a composer or a filmmaker, you already know that conflict and the tension it creates is what drives a story forward. If your July 4th fireworks display began with the finale, there would be no point in watching the comparatively boring single explosions that would follow. With a properly arranged show, the audience follows the “story” and receives the payoff at the big finish. We like to say, “Give it somewhere to go.”
If you have ten minutes, click here to listen to Ravel’s “Bolero” and notice how the composer uses repetition to build tension, steadily elaborating on the theme and increasing the intensity. Imagine how unbearable this piece would be if it started as it ends. Restraint is the key to its power.
Conversational grace
A recent article in the Harvard Business Review explained that talkative people (ahem) could avoid talking too much by keeping their remarks to less than 40 seconds each turn. This is about the time it takes to sing “Happy Birthday” four times. This is something I’m working on.
As important as not monopolizing the conversation is, you can become a great conversationalist by learning how to tell a story. Remember that tension drives story and makes anecdotes interesting. A successful tale pays off at the end by relieving the tension or by shifting it to another gear. The teller brings the story home by fulfilling or denying expectations.
Trying to impress people by telling everything you know in the first minute will result in people finding you overbearing. They’ll avoid you after that. Not good.
Antivenin at my expense
Let me tell you about a time I failed to take this advice: At a social function, I found myself seated right next to a well-known author whom I admire. I was so excited, and I really wanted to make a good impression, so I pulled out all the stops without any regard for the man. A moment’s reflection on my part would have reminded me that he was there to enjoy the evening, rather than to talk shop with an inconsiderate novice. I still wince when I think about it all these years later.
What I would do now is totally different. I would still be delighted to meet one of my heroes, but I would engage in polite conversation and seek to find a few things we had in common. If I had a sense that we could talk business later, I would offer my card or express the hope we could continue the discussion. If I got a favorable reaction, the next question would be to ask the best way to get back in touch. If not, I would say what a pleasure it was to meet him and continue to enjoy the evening.
Please learn from my mistake.
Relational savvy
Young men often baby-snake it in the arena of romantic relationships. The man who finds himself in the company of an attractive young lady who seems interested in him can kill attraction by playing all his cards too soon. This takes the form of coming on too strong — being too effusive with compliments, speaking non-stop, and — worst of all — proclaiming love or talking about marriage on the first date!
Understand that a quality woman swims in an ocean of male attention. You are not going to maintain her interest in you by behaving like every other man. Those guys try to impress her by talking about themselves and their accomplishments. You must be different. So try this: ask killer questions and — wait for it — let her talk. You don’t have to contrive an elaborate (and false) back story, but you can be fascinating to a woman by being a bit mysterious.
There’s obviously more I could say, but that will have to wait for another time. Meanwhile, don’t baby-snake it!
Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Bring your best manners, please.