“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”
-Proverbs 18:22 (ESV)
In part 1, we talked about the wisdom of getting to know your beloved before you say “I do.” That mountain in the title isn’t just the woman’s family. To help you in this process, here are some additional areas to discuss — and agree on — long before you set up housekeeping.
If you want it to stay spicy, it takes preparation.
Money
My pastor is fond of saying that if he were to see your calendar and your checkbook, he would know what you value. It makes sense — we invest our time and our money in those things we love. I have read in more than one place that married couples fight more about money than anything else, including sex. For most women, the number one need is security, so living within your means is a great way to ensure your wife’s security and your sanity.
I strongly encourage the two of you to agree to live on a budget, and to create a realistic plan to, as John Wesley said, “earn all you can, earn all you can and save all you can.” If you can avoid debt, by all means do so. If you’re in debt, pay it off ASAP.
Living on a budget is a difficult adjustment, but three months in, you’ll be amazed how free you’ll feel. I admit I was a reluctant convert, but I am sold on budgets.
Politics
This goes so far beyond mere party affiliation or choosing whom to support in the next election. I am aware of successful marriages between people who are ideological opposites, but I am also aware of marriages in which policy differences added further strain.
As you and your future wife talk about issues, don’t settle for labels. Think in terms of worldview. Ask questions to understand why you believe as you do, and why she holds the convictions she does. At least get your biases out in the open.
Religion
The second of the proverbial conversational taboos. You’re in love — I get that. But I don’t believe you can easily become one with someone who is running a completely different operating system. The two of you may be quite comfortable with each other, but when children enter the picture, you won’t necessarily agree on which house of worship will be Junior’s spiritual home. Better to talk this over beforehand. Interfaith marriages add another layer of complexity to the already challenging effort to get and stay married.
Sex — and having babies
This is another of the major sources of conflict between husbands and wives. Often there’s an imbalance in the expectations regarding frequency of marital relations. There is likely to be some variation in desire between the two of you, and even within each of you. My advice regarding sex is something I could say in front of your grandmother: be generous in love. The Bible tells husbands and wives not to deprive each other. So don’t.
If you use the marriage bed for its intended purpose, babies can and do result. You and your bride-to-be must be on the same page regarding when to have children, as well as how many to have. But keep in mind: Man proposes; God disposes.
In our church, there is a surprising number of families with four and five children each. It is wonderful to see. Parenthood is the best trouble you’ll ever have. It’s even better if you talk over parenting styles, discipline, educational preferences and how you’ll structure the respective responsibilities before the little ones start arriving.
Baggage (a/k/a the past)
We all have “stuff.” Men have stuff. Women have stuff. I do want to recommend that you seek a wife among women who have had the fewest sexual partners. Why? In addition to the mystery of two becoming one, we are learning that a woman’s exposure to multiple partners radically increases the likelihood of divorce. We err when we take holy things and seek to make them common. Marry a godly woman who holds God and his gift of sex in high regard.
If you’re wondering “What about grace?” understand that I believe it, I teach it, I depend on it. God has withheld the punishment I deserve and blessed me beyond anything I deserve based on my performance. And God can restore what has been squandered — but He is not obligated to do so.
What we are talking about is how promiscuity — or its uptown cousin, serial monogamy — alters a woman’s ability to bond with her husband. If I am foolish enough to play with my shotgun and blow my hand off, I can be genuinely sorry for my foolishness, but I don’t have any right to demand that God regenerate my missing hand.
One last thought
The statistics are also grim for those couples who live together before getting married. The likelihood of divorce increases by nearly 50%. I realize that living together to try it out is a backhanded compliment to marriage, but you’re creating a steeper hill for yourself if you do so.
I’ve been married for nearly 30 years, and I can tell you that marriage is hard work, but it’s worth it. Take this advice and you and your bride can begin your life together with a better set of advantages.
Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Bring your best manners, please.