“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
-Proverbs 12:4
The title of today’s post is an old Appalachian saying — I can’t remember when or where I first heard it. In its most common use, it means that a woman’s attachment to her family exerts a strong lifelong pull. It also means that none of us enters marriage as a blank slate — that each one of us has opinions and preferences based on lessons and experiences we absorbed through our upbringing. None of us has the luxury of pretending these are irrelevant to the quality of his marriage.
Weddings can be expensive. Failed marriages are even more costly.
Why this topic?
Unless you’ve taken a vow of celibacy, chances are you’ll get married someday. If you’re already looking, or merely open to the idea of marriage, here are some topics to discuss with the future Mrs. Your Name Here. As a caveat, these are topics for those in serious relationships — don’t baby-snake it and trot these out on the first date!
Leave & cleave
From the days of Adam and Eve, the Bible lays out the pattern for family formation: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)
A woman may love her parents dearly — a very good thing — but she must be willing to make her marriage the primary human relationship. A man may love his mom — he should — but his wife must be the woman whom he considers first. In case of a tie between a man’s wife and his mother, the wife wins.
Newly married couples need to have and enforce boundaries to give their marriage a chance to thrive without interference from their parents – no matter how well-meaning.
Home is where the heart is
Where will the two of you make your home? A house, or an apartment? Do you like the thought of acreage in the country, or do crickets keep you awake at night? If you both work, whose job is the more important in terms of where you’ll live and whether you’ll accept a transfer to another city?
If you’re not from the same hometown, it’s also a good idea to discuss how — and how often — you’ll visit your parents, and hers.
In-laws and family drama
My parents divorced when I was young, and both remarried. My wife’s parents remained married until my father-in-law passed away. As a result, we entered our marriage with vastly different approaches to settling marital differences. If either of you comes from a broken home, it’s a good idea to talk through how your parents resolved — or failed to — their differences, and to learn how to disagree without being disagreeable. Experiencing your parents’ divorce as a child imposes an incorrect perception on the significance of disagreeing with your wife. Not everything is DEFCON 1.
It’s also worth it to talk over your respective family medical histories, including addictions or psychological conditions. You will be taking vows to love, honor and cherish each other in sickness and in health, so this is fair game. More important than any specific condition is the way that individual family member, the family as a whole, and your beloved are dealing with it. Don’t let love blind you — seek the truth and tell the truth.
Habits
I am in favor of young marriage, but that is not the same as instant marriage. A man and his fiancée should allow enough time to get to know each other — without shacking up. This includes important topics such as who has the talent and the will to cook. But this is also the time for observing her manner of speaking, her character, her disposition, her grooming and her habits – good and bad. She’ll be looking at you, too.
Among other things notice how she treats other people. How is her relationship with her father? I cannot emphasize enough what an indicator this is of how she will respect you (or not).
Don’t dismiss red flags. If you intend to be the leader in your home, you must be willing to initiate difficult conversations. At the same time, be careful to get the whole story.
In Part 2, we’ll discuss the hot-button topics: religion, politics, sex and more.
Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Bring your best manners, please.